


Mushroom Soup

by Holy_Leonards



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Abortion mention, Anal Sex, Attempted Murder, Crack, F/F, Fight Club - Freeform, Fisting, It meanders, Masturbation, Other, a lot goes on, boob touching, but ends on a good note, gay actualization, that one lesbian poster (you know the one)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 07:21:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6414292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holy_Leonards/pseuds/Holy_Leonards
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Female Sole Survivor emerges from Vault 111 and goes on a wild adventure. Eventually, she meets up with Nick Valentine and helps him discover himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mushroom Soup

**Author's Note:**

> This was a fic that I wrote with a "silent partner". We took turns writing passages English class style. Yet, I take all of the credit because they are too chicken to be mentioned.

Quofe was a pretty girl. A stupid girl, but a pretty one nonetheless. God only knew how she managed to survive the nuclear war. She knew her beard(ed clam) of a husband had also survived, but he was under the impression that she was dead. All because someone holding their baby had been shot.

'Wait... Who the fuck was holding our baby?' they wondered. 

“Wait... who the fuck was holding our baby?”

"I could never trust that fuck! He was probably bearding me as much as I was bearding him."

After finding her way through the dark hallways of vault 111, Quofe ascended to the surface. She was not surprised at the sight. 

"Why doesn't anyone fucking clean up around here!? Jesus!"

She saw movement in Sanctuary Hills. “There's my loser of a husband.” She said, sounding oddly like Ms. Barch from the ancient hit TV show Daria.

She was wrong.

“I was wrong!”

But there was someone there. Someone much, much rounder than her beloved Queef: Alfred Hitchcock. “Good evening, Mum,” he said, dildo attachment still in hand, just like she left him. She had a thing for robots and fat guys.

“Fuck, not you again.” 

"For this evening's enter-enter-entertainment, I will be presenting-ing-ing yooooouuuuur DEATH!"

Alfred Hitchbot lunged at Quofe. She expertly dodged the dildo going for her heart and she ran like hell out of there.

"Christ, he has a screw loose! I wonder if my Rod Sterling is in a similar condition." 

She kept running and running until she found safety.

Though she never saw combat, like her loser husband did, she knew how to defend herself. She was a lawyer, after all, and was FILLED WITH RAGE. She rage-lifted. Every. Day. In fact, she was fucking ripped. 

“I'm fucking ripped,” She whispered to herself, as she kicked her way through the Wastes to the threshold of the old Fenway Park.

“Behold! Fenway Park! The greatest ballpark in the world! I still remember getting my first abortion here. Hoooooooommmmme ruuuuuuuuuun right outta the park! I mean, right outta my uterus."

A lady in a red coat and a news reporter hat turned to Quofe with a horrified expression on her face. Quofe just looked her right in the eye.

"What, lady, never heard of baseball?"

"Of course I have! But this isn't Fenway Park, this is Diamond City."

"Whaaaaa?"

"Diamond. City. You know, the Great Jewel of the Commonwealth?"

The great drool of the Commonwealth was leaking out of the corner of Quofe's mouth as she tried to understand what the news lady was saying.

"A city you say?"

“Yes, a city.”

“City?”

“City.”

“City?”

“City.”

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, doing nothing but repeating the word 'city,' much to Quofe's disappointment. Winkity wink, winky frowny face ;(. 

Noticing the eyes on her rack, Piper begins, “Listen, uh, they locked me out. If you help me back, I'll let you touch my boob.” 

'Hot dog!' Quofe thought.

“Hot dog!” 

"Yeah, okay, sure, whatever. Just get me in there"

Quofe walked up to the garage door looking thing and slammed her head hard against it. It rose up and they were in.

"You did it!"

"Arf!"

The lady gave Quofe a weird look and then shook her head.

"Look, my name is Piper."

"Quofe am I!"

She gave Quofe another weird look.

"Okay...Quofe. Let me show you to my home so I can give you your payment.

"Arf!"

~~~~~~~

When they got to Piper's house, she said something totally not copyrighted. "I want you to punch me as hard as you can,” Piper said to me, Quofe, in a manly voice. "Mmm. That feels good. ;)”

"Are you thinking what I’m thinking?“  
Then we tear off each others’ clothes.  
Peeper jumps down on her hands and knees, fine ass facing me, the narrator. "I want you to punch me as hard as you can.”  
I, quofe, followed my order. I cock my arm as far back as it can go and release, my fist hitting square on the hole. When I try to retrieve my fist, it would not come loose. “Christ! Have you been saving up for me?”  
Peeper says, “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and promptly passes out in the moist parking lot.  
I, the Quofe, hear Diamond City Police, making siren noises with their mouths and coming my way.  
I begin running, Peeper on my foot The squishing sounds of the foot-body on the moist ground were unbearable.

~~~~~~~~

_Fuck, shouldn't have taken seven hits of jet before coming in here_

Quofe was rolling around on the floor of Piper's bedroom as Piper sat unimpressed on the bed.

"Quofe, did my boob feel _that_ good."

Quofe rolled over and looked her right in the boo- I mean eyes.

"Yes.” Then she continued doing her drugged up thing.

"Jesus, Quofe, could ya be polite and not do drugs when you're with company."

"No."

Piper got up and rolled Quofe out of her room with her foot.

"Come back when you're a little more sober."

"Arf!"

Piper slammed the door and Quofe was all alone staring at the neon signs on the buildings around her. There was one in the distance that was a heart with an arrow through it.

"Dammit, Eureka! I know what I need! A detective!"

She rolled through the door, and into the detectivey dad shoes of the one, and only.... uhhh, the only...

“Who are you?” 

“My name's on that big neon sign you just passed.” 

“Takahashi!” she jumped up, pulled his robohand away from his mouth, and shook it, burning herself on his cigarette in the process. “It takes guts to sell dildos, or 'noodles' – to use the lingo – as openly and fearlessly as you do, sir!” 

“No, the other sign. A little closer, like right outside the door.”

“I can't read.” 

He sighed. “The name's Nick Valentine.” 

“That's hot.”

"Uhhhh, thank you."

"Hey, Valenslime, guess what?"

"It's 'Valentine'. and what?"

"I think you're gay."

"I'm not gay! I have a poster of two naked ladies to prove it!"

He pointed a grimy, faux-skin covered finger at the wall. There it was, a wall-sized painting of two women holding each other. You know, that monochrome one where they're in all white. You see it in the rooms of, like, every fuckboy you know. Like it's the only picture with lesbians on it or something. 

"Uh, lady, is it raining outside? I hear a dripping sound and I'm hoping it isn't my roof again."

Nick looked down to see a puddle of viscous liquid surrounding his feet. He traced it back to Quofe's pants. They were soaked.

"Uh, you like that painting?"

There was no reply.

“Hello?” The detective waves a skeletal hand in front of her face, catching her attention briefly before her eyes bolted back to the photo. “Who is it your looking for?”

Again, no reply. 

“Listen, I have a family to feed. A wife and 18 kids. I made them myself, with my dick, in my wife's lady-parts. I need this job.”

As if Quofe's wetness sucked all the moisture out of her, she shriveled up like a raisin, and fell to the group. Ded. 

"Great, the one time I'm out of crackers and there's a soup here that desperately needs them."

Nick kicked the body.

"Why did you have to bite the big one! This isn't the kind of job I do, lady!"

Nick picked up the body and stuffed it in a duffel bag. He dragged it to the outskirts of Boston and buried her, bag and all. He stood up and wiped his hands off on his coat.

"Pity she went like that, she was a pretty gal too. I might have attempted making more little mouths to feed with her if we had some more time to bond be fore she almost drowned me."

He looked down at the mound of dirt and saw something growing there. Something fun...gi. 

“Oh,” he tugged on the collar of his shirt. It was getting hot in here. 

“It's getting hot in here. Best to take off all my clothes.” 

He was getting so hot he had to take his clothes off, yeah! 

Out from the shadows stepped another robot man and he was speaking.

"So there he was, buck naked in front of a shallow grave with a fungi staring him down. All the tough mustaches and the 3,000-bucks-a-week- phony baloneys in the Commonwealth had never made him felt this way. He was about to find out what he had been hiding deep down for all of those years."

Nick turned around and drew his gun.

"Who are you!?"

"Me? Oh, uh, I'm Rod Sterling. I'm here to attend the funeral of mum. She was such a nice woman."

Sterling was starting to tear up.

"Get out of here!"

The robot Rod Sterling bolted away.

'Shame,' Nick thought. 'He was kinda cute-cubical! He was kinda cubical. Yeah, because of his suit.' 

Nick panted. All this Rod Sterling and phallic symbols was getting him horny. 

He was ready! He looked down at that mush and bit his lower lip.

"Come here, baby!"

He plucked the shroom and started licking it. Oh, how he wished he could taste it! It started leaking a thick, warm fluid that was getting all over his lips.

"Oh, you like that, baby?"

He spit on the tip of the mushroom and started running his hand up and down the head and shaft.

"Come on, hun, take the plunge!"

He brought the mushroom around to his rear and slipped it inside. He arched his back and let out a loud howl. Coolant shot from his crotch and made a muddy mess on the ground. He withdrew the mushroom and tossed it on the ground.

"Fuck, man, you're good."

Nick saw a round, human-like object out of the corner of his eye. He turned to see Alfred Hitchbot with a candle in one hand by his face and the dildo in the other.

"Good evening. I hope you enjoyed that, I know Freud would have."

"You! What do you want!"

"You killed mum. I wanted to kill mum. So now I kill you."

"Leave me alone, you fat slob."

Alfred Hitchbot froze. There was a loud clunk and he powered down.

Nick, thoroughly satisfied and with new questions to answer about himself, got dressed and made his way back to his sleazy little hole in Diamond City. Thus began one of the greatest chapters in the sad robot's life.


End file.
